Kindness does not equal weakness.

Time and time again, I have noticed people take advantage of other peoples kindness - this includes people taking advantage of my own kindness.

I wanted to touch on this and talk about a recent experience I had with helping someone, with hopes that maybe someone who might be experiencing a similar situation can learn from my mistakes.

Have you ever heard of a “Favorite Person” when it comes to BPD?
According to verywellmind.com
"A favorite person is the center of attention of an individual living with BPD. This means they consider this person as a trusted friend, confidant, and counselor all wrapped in one. Dr. Roberts notes that the person with BPD demonstrates an “anxious-preoccupied attachment style.”

With that being said, a lot of unhealthy relationship traits can stem from this kind of situation. I did not intentionally place myself to become this persons “FP”. Nor did I realize I had become one until it was too late.

What you can expect to experience if you’re a “FP” is to:
1. Provide consistent need for reassurance.
2. Intense declarations of their love or appreciate for you.
3. Reaching out more frequently when you don’t respond.
4. Fear that you will leave them or no longer love them.
5. Appearing to be in crisis often and depending on you for advice or guidance.
6. Exhibiting jealousy at your other relationships or activities.
7. Sometimes even abusive behavior when you set boundaries for your own well being or focus on yourself.

The particular situation I was in, had all of the above.
I was trying to help this person get out of what I was told to be a horribly abusive environment. I did everything I possibly could, seeing as I’m not financially stable myself and have a lot of issues on my plate as well.
I started a GFM for them, posted to advertise it and raised nearly $1000.
I created a support circle for them with a few people who would be incredibly helpful in navigating certain situations that I wasn’t equipped to, but they did not use them, which only continued to put the pressure all onto me. They would use these proclamations of how grateful they were, but their actions in helping themselves did not match.
I was putting more effort into helping them get out of their situation than they we’re putting in to get themselves out.

I would ask them to write a paragraph update for the GFM, and i would be told to “Draft something up” so they could look over it later? I didn’t know the updates so how was I to write anything? But again, it was more that felt like it was all being put onto me.

About a month ago my husband got laid off, and I had let them know that I wouldn’t be able to push the GFM much more because I really needed to focus on my husband and our own financial issues and that I was extremely stressed and just needed time for myself.
Initially they were okay with this and offered support. (in the way of sharing any posts I made for myself asking for help. But nothing that involved them doing anything themselves to help)

I went into a dark place with my depression and stress over the situation that my Husband and I are still currently going through, and I was distant - but still made sure to message them here and there to keep in touch or to respond to them if it was an emergency.

This is when I started noticing another point on that list - number 5. Appearing to be in crisis more often and depending on you for advice and guidance.
They messaged me not even a week or so after I set my boundary, telling me they had a seizure.
Then after that started posting suicidal messages on snapchat telling their friends to “message if they actually care”

That made me feel a lot.
I felt backed into a corner, because I’m not in the mental space to handle someone elses suicidal thoughts - but I also care and now i have to message them because they can see who views their stories on snapchat, and if i dont message back - thatll start problems.

So I messaged them “I Love you, i’m sorry we’re both going through this right now” as a way to reach out, let her know I care and I love them, but also that i’m not doing so hot still.

A few days after that, they reached out to me asking if i needed to vent about what i was dealing with. At the time, I didn’t have the energy to vent at all, and instead responded a day or so later about what was going on.
They didn’t respond until last week, and it wasn’t nice.

They accused me of hurting them, ignoring them, and essentially being a bad friend. They made me out to not care at all, and that I had hurt them by “trauma dumping” on them only days after their suicidal messages on snapchat -

BUT THEY LITERALLY ASKED ME TO VENT AFTER THAT?
So they essentially trapped me into venting and then made me feel bad for it.

And for a day, it ate me up, i felt horrible like i had done something wrong and was truly a horrible friend.
Until i was reminded that i’ve spent over half a year trying to help them with anything and everything they needed. From helping them stay sober, to starting that GFM, to being there when they needed to vent and grow as a person. I did everything i possibly could and was being made to feel like i wasn’t good enough the moment that i needed time for myself.
The moment i diverted my attention off of them, i became the bad guy.

So, i cut them off.

Not only was this not mentally sustainable for me, but it put my future in jeopardy.
And not only did i not sign up to play the role of a Favorite person,
i also can’t enable the cycle of mistreatment every time i need to set a boundary for myself.

Instead of fighting to stay friends, instead of denying what i had brought up and how i told them i felt hurt by her actions after all i had done for them, there response showed me that my intuition was right.
”Whatever, have fun in life”.

I felt the energy of them through that once sentence. The energy of someone who had just been caught, someone who was angry they we’re the center of attention in someone elses life, someone who was angry they no longer had a doormat to walk over and use to do all of the work for them so they didn’t have to.

I could not let that cycle continue.
not just for my own wellbeing, but for theirs.
They won’t get better or learn to do things for themselves if i had stayed in that friendship or continued to do every single thing.

I love helping people, and i’ll put my absolute everything in to helping others - but the moment i feel im being used or taken advantage of, or that the person im helping isn’t putting in the same energy to help themselves that im putting in to help them - Im done. I’m also not going to subject my community to being used and manipulated either.

My kindness does NOT equal weakness and I won’t stay around people like this. The moment you show me your true colors, i’ll believe you.